my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
