Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
