literally had 100 drinks last night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
