Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
