ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
