let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
