4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
