i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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