You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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