Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
