i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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