he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
sex in a hospital.. check
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
