I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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