I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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