happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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