Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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