living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize