Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
