He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize