wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
