Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
