Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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