Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
