Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
