Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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