I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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