So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
