bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize