i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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