dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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