I feel like abortions should bother me more
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
