Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
