and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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