I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
