My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
