mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
