I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
