I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
