Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
