Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you're hired as official boob wrangler
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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