peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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