Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize