he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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