you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize