You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
