hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
