Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize