i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
