Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
