you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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