people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
