Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
