dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
