cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
