Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
high people should be assigned attendants
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
