How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
