Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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