i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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