I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
