Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
