you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
