Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
