you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I didn't notice because vodka
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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