I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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