just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This house was built for laser tag.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
