i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
