i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
