i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
As shirtless as possible
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think i got beer on your cat.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
