Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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