I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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