what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
