My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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