Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
