I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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